7/25/16

Today’s Horoscope

All Signs:

There is a reason for every single thing everyone does or says.  That means there is a reason for everything you do or say.  Those reasons are wrapped up in years of victories and defeats, good and bad parenting, social pressures blatant and sublime, fears and insecurities and defiance and bravado.  

The problem is, most people don’t ever give a tiny thought about why they do or say the things they do, and most of us never think to wonder why they are saying and doing those things to us.  Again, reverse the pronouns and such in that statement to remind you that you do it to other people also.  

You can’t spend your whole life examining every single word that comes out of you mouth, but you can put some thought into what you did and said each day and wonder why you did or said it.  You can do a little self examination every day, and learn and grow and change yourself into the person you want to be.  You owe that to yourself and the world.

You can also try to examine the actions of others and figure out why they say and do what they say and do, but you can’t spend all your time psychoanalyzing everyone else either.  You don’t even have all the information you need to do it, even with the people that are closest to you.

So the stars want to tell you to relax.  Try to be kind whenever you can, and take a little time to question your motives now and then, before a little personality quirk turns into a personality disorder.  As far as other people go, try to only have people in your life that are kind to you, and don’t deal with people that make you question their motives all the time.  It is up to all of us to keep tabs on that, and if you have someone that can’t be bothered doing any of the work themselves, maybe let them go.  

Life is too short to spend it questioning why the people in your life treat you badly.  

Let the stars worry about those things.  They have an eternity to ponder it, but you need to get a move on and continue your trek towards nirvana.  

The stars will meet you there.  

7/22/16

I received a legal letter the other day and it turns out that I have been representing the stars in my horoscopes and not giving equal time to their opponents.  So much the way networks have to give equal time to all candidates, I now I am forced to give a platform to the negative side of things.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you …

Today's Horrorscope

Every last one of you foul creatures:

The demons that rule the underworld want to remind you that you are all doomed.  Everyone, from the most famous and beautiful, to the richest leaders in their castles to the homeless person living in a box on the street, from innocent children to the criminals and murderers amongst us.  

We have all seem to forgotten that we are animals; filthy and disease ridden, bubbling over with parasites and hanging on by a thread.  We are all borderline psychotics, come down from the trees too soon into a world we still don’t know how to relate to.  We are overwhelmed by the technology we created, and it will ruin us all.

In the natural order of things, our strongest male would mate with every women capable of bearing a child, and run off, kill, or beat into submission every other man in the tribe.  We would bash the heads of any opposing tribes, and that’s how evolution works.

And then we would die much sooner than we do now.  

We are not meant to outlive our teeth, yet we keep desperately trying to keep our hearts beating long after they have given up.  Once we hit 40, we are in a constant state of decay and repair, and most of the repairs are shoddy.  

Love is nothing but a concept we invented to explain our instinctual need to procreate.  We are merely here to pass our subpar genes onto the next generation and then get out of the way.  So we are confused when our reptilian brain and our jumbled human brain try to reconcile the two.  We have children and care for and protect them until one day we see that they are growing up and we feel threatened by them or they make us feel old and pointless.  

So we live too long, we fight our natural urges everyday and it slowly drives us insane, we end up resenting all that we love and we think that it’s normal.  There is nothing normal about human existence.  The demons have been plaguing us for millennia, and they know the truth, and they are always there waiting to whisper in our ears and tell us how we will fail.  

All of us are destined to die, alone, afraid, and with the knowledge that everything we try to tell ourselves is a lie, and always has been.  

Except it’s not.  The stars want you to understand that there are no such thing as demons.  They simply wanted to present you with the worst outlook there is so they can set your minds at ease.  While some of what the “demons” said is true in some small sense, that’s not all of it.  

Are we sometimes ruled by animal instinct?  Of course.  But one of mankind's greatest achievements is that we have reason and compassion, and the urge to be better than our base natures.  We adapt to the world as we adapt the world to suit our needs.  

Are we full of conflicting emotions, loving and hating the same things at the same time on occasion?  Sure we are, but that has given us the capacity to create great art and literature, and philosophies to dissect the nature of good and evil, and then try to eradicate the evil and strive to be better people.

We do live longer than we are physically equipped to, but isn’t that wonderful?  All that extra time to live, to love, to make the world better for those around us.  And if we don’t achieve any it today, we will wake up tomorrow and try again.  The thing that keeps us hanging onto life is the thing that keeps us growing and bettering ourselves.  That is evolution, for us anyway, and if it doesn’t adhere to the standard definition, that’s fine, because we have changed all the rules like we always do.

If any of you have ever been in love, or loved anything, do you doubt that love is real?  They can argue until the cows come home, but if you know love you know it’s power and how strong it is. Sure it can hurt at times, and it sometimes doesn’t make sense, but all that is wonderful too, in it’s own right.

Love is real.

We are not in competition with each other on a constant basis.  We pick each other up, we sacrifice, we sweat and bleed for those we love and for complete strangers.  We prove that we are not bound by base, selfish desires every moment of every day. We are not mindless and programmed, we are thoughtful and compassionate and full of empathy.

We are ever changing, ever growing, and the good in us outweighs the bad a thousand fold.  Don’t listen to the ravings of demons.  Don’t sell ourselves short, don’t make positives into negatives, don’t ever stop believing that we have amazing attributes and we can overcome the bad traits.  

So there are no demons but the ones we create, and if there were, they are foul and evil and lie by their very nature, so why would you listen to them anyway?  

There are stars though, and they are always there, and they love us and believe in us and they are calling us to them, because with all our faults we are still so capable of reaching them someday.

7/19/16

Today’s Horoscope

All Signs:

Today the stars offer you some simple advice:  Stop acting so put upon all the time.  There are times in life that are exasperating, and times you will be used and taken advantage of, but these days everyone seems like you are asking them to roll a boulder up a hill whenever you interact with them.

So pass the salt without rolling your eyes, repeat the question if we didn’t hear it without a heavy sigh, and just stop acting like everything in your life is a tragedy and a chore. We are acting like a nation of surly teenagers.

Sorry, but the stars are really sick of it.  Life is hard enough without everyone acting like the world is ending every two seconds.  Save the self pity for the times you really deserve it, because believe us, there will be plenty of those times.  

And when those times arrive the stars wish you luck, and they will be here to help, and they will act like it is no trouble at all.

7/18/16

Today's Horoscope

All signs:

Today you will have a moment that makes you laugh or smile, even if you're just smiling to yourself in your heart or mind.

Maybe you'll hear a song you forgot about and you’ll remember how much you love it. Maybe you will see something, be it a snippet of a TV show, or a cat that looks like your childhood cat, a picture on the Internet that reminds you of your fun, wild days you left behind, and you live relive some fond memories in an instant.

Maybe you will learn something you never knew, and it will answer a question you didn't even know you wanted an answer to. Or maybe it will be a little bit of knowledge that suddenly helps you make sense of a part of your life.

Perhaps someone will smile at you, or compliment you, or even hit on you, and whether you're interested or not, you will feel a little confidence boost.

Maybe you will finally do that thing you have been putting off because you've been scared of facing it, and you will find that it's not nearly as scary now.

Maybe you'll just see a sunset, or a flower, or hear a birdsong or watch a spider build a web and you will feel like a part of nature and everything around you, because you are, and being reminded of it makes you feel a little more at home in your skin.

Point is, there are going to be a multitude of these moments throughout your day, and you should notice them if you can and let them buoy you up as you go. We don't always acknowledge the tiny good things that make life better, but we seem to be quite adept at magnifying the tiny bad things.

The stars have seen it all, and they know they have to keep reminding you that that there's way more good than bad, and it's all worthwhile. They don't mind. They like telling you how wonderful you are, whether you can believe it or not, and they're not going to stop.

So look up once in awhile and let the stars remind you of the good things, and let them see you smile. They never get tired of that.

7/15/16 Bonus Weekend Horoscope

Today’s Horoscope

All Signs:

The stars apologize in advance for their crude language, but they want you to know that it’s alright to tell people to go fuck themselves.  Anybody, really.  Some guy in another car, a co worker, your mother.  You aren’t really secure with yourself in any way unless you are telling people this on a somewhat regular basis.  

Maybe you don’t have to be so crude about it all the time, but people will try to pull a lot of shit if you let them.  Don’t let them.  You need to set boundaries and be in control of your life.

So tell them to go fuck themselves, and then get on with your life.  

Yep, that’s your bonus weekend advice from the stars.  Don’t like it?

Go fuck yourself.

7/15/16

Today’s Horoscope

All Signs:

The stars want to tell you that satisfaction is great, but you need to understand that it’s fleeting and it is the nature of life to be unsatisfied most of the time.  You can be generally satisfied with your life and most everything in it, but that is usually a vague feeling tied to a caveat about how things could be worse.

What would life be like if we were all satisfied anyway?  Nothing would change, no advances would be made, life would be one long, dull hum.  Keep striving, keep moving, don’t just get comfortable and let your life pass you by.  

Sure, you can get immense satisfaction from your accomplishments.  You can have satisfaction in a job well done, you can be satisfied with your time in the 5k run or the picture you painted, you can even be sexually satisfied, at least for a minute or two.  You deserve that.  Revel in your accomplishments and pat yourself on the back and enjoy it while it lasts.

Because satisfaction usually doesn’t last.  You start thinking about things and how you could do better or more efficiently or more deviant.  You will find that what satisfied you last week now seems mundane and unfulfilling.  That is why the human race has achieved so much in such a small amount of time.  

Billions of us, wanting something more, something better for us and our children.  

So when you’re sitting around feeling blue because life doesn’t seem as rewarding as it should be, and doesn’t give you peace of mind, remember it’s not supposed to.  It’s not life that’s the problem, it’s how you see life and it is lucky for us that we do.  So go out and change it.  Mold life into what you want, and when that brief window of satisfaction arrives, let it wrap you up and comfort you.  Then get back to making it better and chasing that next blip of satisfaction that you see way off on your radar.

The stars are never satisfied, hence they keep blowing themselves up and scattering themselves through the cosmos in an effort to make the entire universe a better and more satisfying place to live, be it only for a moment.

7/11/16

Today's Horoscope

All signs:

The stars want to remind you that there is no such thing as “normal”.  We want to feel safe and secure, so we decide what everything should be like and label it thusly. Usually those labels are “normal” and a then a whole host of other adjectives usually meant to stigmatize or feel superior to anyone that doesn't conform to our ideals of the status quo.

Thing is, there is no status quo. There is a whole huge world full of diversity and culture and standards most of us never experience. Most people never leave their countries of birth, and rarely even leave their own regional section of that country. They grow up and believe that the whole world should operate the way they do.

We look with scorn at anyone that lives their lives differently. We judge everyone against a phony notion of what's normal, a notion based on our small slice of life we have experienced.  Add to that the biases of our parents and friends and all sorts of propaganda put out by the media, the government, schools, etc, it’s a wonder we tolerate anything at all.

So we all strive to be normal, except that none of us really are.  We are conflicted inside because we feel one way and act another.  We want to fit in, but the different things we feel inside will always be there screaming to be expressed, and at some point they will, be it when you decide you don’t care what others think or when you end up with dementia and start talking about the way you really feel.

The stars want you to consider this:  Style and social rules and beauty standards not only differ from culture to culture, but they differ from year to year or decade to decade in the same cultures.  Everything you think, wear, watch, consume, whatever, is most likely different than it was 10 years ago, and that’s because some wonderful wacky people that didn’t fit in expressed themselves and changed the way the entire world thinks.  

Yesterday's “eccentrics” are today’s “normal”.

So if you want to express yourself, just do it.  Who cares what normal people think?  Normal people don’t make much of a difference on a grand scale.  Normal people don’t drive the world forward.  It’s the oddballs that keep things moving, that stand out and make us think, that give us the motivation and bravado to stand out ourselves.  Diversity is one of mankind's biggest strengths, why would we ever want to stifle it?

The stars are as diverse as it gets.  We like to think of the sun as the version of a “normal” star, but it is one of the least common stars in the galaxy.  We look at it everyday, and take it for granted, but then we look at the pictures of the universe taken by the Hubble telescope, binary systems and huge stars that could swallow a million of our suns, and we marvel and wonder and kids are inspired to take up science and go on to discover the great mysteries of the cosmos.  

The stars say: “Be who you are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.”

7/4/16

Today's Horoscope

All signs:

The stars want to take time out to recognize the 4th of July. They were there watching when the revolution happened. They are proud that stars were chosen to adorn our flag and represent the states.

The stars also want to remind you that the whole idea behind that revolution and this country was freedom and the right to a representative government. We take most of those things for granted these days.

Like everything else worthwhile, people fought and sacrificed for these freedoms and these ideals, and we should be fighting and protecting them still.

The stars want to tell you that it is your duty to be ever on guard against anyone taking those rights away from us, and that we should be prepared to work and fight and sacrifice, because it is our birthright, and a very precious thing.

We are squandering it, because those in power are manipulating us, ruling us with fear and lies. We need to do better, and hold those in power accountable, because really, we are the ones with the power and we give it away on a daily basis.

The stars say: earn your freedom. Vote. Get involved. Protest, sign petitions, do your homework and do what's best for this country and ALL the people living in it.

Because the stars will still be here years from now if we fail, but they will be sad as they reminisce about how we came so close and threw it all away.

7/2/16

Today's Horoscope

All signs:

Today the stars want to tell you that there are times when you won't know what to do. Some of those times the stars won't know what to tell you to do either. They're magic, but they're not perfect.

Almost every time you feel like you are lost and you have have no answers, you know that somewhere deep inside you that you really do know what it is you have to do. You are afraid to admit it, or you just don't want to do what is best for you.

But you do know, and even though you're trying to ignore it, it is a small comfort knowing that you have the situation figured out.

There may be a few times in your life though that you honestly don't know what to do. You are standing at a crossroads and you have no idea where the other roads lead and you can't turn back.

These are the moments that decide your life, and who you are and what you'll become. These are the jumping off points that determine your foreseeable future, so pay attention.

While that may seem daunting, keep in mind that it is also liberating! You can't stand still any longer, and apparently there isn't much in your life that is working anymore, so what do you have to lose? You can choose to do anything you want right now. You have nothing left to lose, you have the whole world in front of you, to paint whatever color you like.

Your mind might tell you that there's nothing out there that interests you, but how will you really know until you try? You might think that there is nobody for you, but have you actually met everybody? You might feel you have no hope and no purpose, but that is its own kind of freedom and it can be a gift.

So take a step forward, even if you have no map, no compass, no idea where you are headed. There's always something waiting for you up ahead.

Just go, and know that all you have to do is look up and see that the stars are still there to guide you and help you get your bearings and you're never truly alone.